Dealing with social bullying
How to handle covert bullying that’s behind your back and is hard to prove.
It’s real. It’s not “just drama”. And yep, there are things that can help. This article will help you understand what social 'covert' bullying is, why people do it and what strategies might help.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
What is social bullying?
Is it public? Or behind your back?
Social bullying can describe two different things:
- Bullying that happens in public/in front of other people, or 'with an audience'; this type of bullying is really obvious (people who see it know it's bullying)
- Bullying that is behind your back, or hard to prove, also known as 'covert' (hidden) bullying; this type of bullying happens in the shadows and people may not see it or realise it's bullying
The distinction matters because both types of bullying are motivated by different things. And they require different responses to deal with.
This article is about 'covert bullying' (i.e. the hidden kind of social bullying). We have a dedicated article to bullying that's obvious and happens publicly/in front of others here.
What is 'covert' social bullying?
It’s a type of bullying that affects your reputation or relationships. It can be subtle, and is often about power and control in a social situation.
It includes things like:
- Leaving you out of group chats, social get-togethers or school projects
- Making it seem like you can’t do anything right
- Giving you the ‘invisible’ treatment, e.g. pretending they can’t hear you or deliberately ignoring you
- Backhanded compliments - when it sounds nice on the surface but somehow lands like an insult
- Hurtful jokes
- Gossiping, spreading rumours, sharing your secrets, or making up lies
- Using body language to put you down, e.g. rolling their eyes when you talk, sighing at you or making a threatening hand gesture
- Leaving you out of online groups, posting vague comments or reacting to posts in a hurtful way
The people doing it might even appear kind in front of other people (including adults). Acting sweet in public while being cruel in private? Not the flex they think it is!
Impacts of covert bullying
Covert bullying can affect your friendships, reputation and even your schoolwork!
This type of bullying can impact your mental health and wellbeing. You might feel anxious, embarrassed, lonely or unsure who to trust. These feelings make sense — being treated this way can be really stressful.
Social bullying can also have impacts on other aspects of your life, too.
Reputation
This type of bullying can be designed to make people think badly of you or damage your reputation. This is known as ‘character assassination’. This can include generally talking badly about someone, making up lies, spreading rumours or shaming them in public. The goal might be to make you seem untrustworthy or unlikeable. (That doesn’t make it true. It makes it bullying.)
Relationships
Covert bullying is social in nature. People who experience it describe it as though someone is trying to ‘turn their friends against them’ and leave them isolated and alone.
Sabotaging & undermining
These actions are designed to tear down a person's confidence and self-worth. It might look like:
- taking credit for your ideas in class
- giving you all the unwanted jobs or roles in tasks or activities, e.g. saying you'll play the worst role in your school play/performance
- deleting the work you did on the group project so it looks like you did nothing
- not telling you things you need to know to do well at school or in your work
Why is covert social bullying so hard to deal with?
It can impact your mental health and self-worth
Hypervigilance
Covert bullying can be unpredictable, which can put someone experiencing it on high alert and cause constant stress (hypervigilance). Over time, it becomes emotionally exhausting.
Poor support
Unlike other types of bullying which are obvious, covert bullying is hard to see and hard to explain. If someone is being bullied in an obvious way, other people can see what’s happening and agree it’s not okay, and it’s easier to address it ‘head on’.
This makes it a very isolating experience. If people are buying into the rumours, the lies, etc., it can leave you feeling unsupported and unliked.
Gaslighting & self-doubt
People who bully like this may make it seem like you’re ‘misreading the situation’ or that ‘they didn’t mean it like that’. You might worry that if you tried to tell someone what was going on, they would think you’re ‘being too sensitive’. Being hurt by hurtful behaviour doesn’t make you “too sensitive”. It makes you human.
Someone bullying in this way will also gaslight – deny things they’ve said or done and make you question what you remember or wonder if you’re overreacting. If someone has to keep explaining they “didn’t mean it like that”, that’s worth paying attention to.
Self-worth & anxiety
All these things are small, but they add up. This is known as a ‘cumulative effect’, and it can have a big impact on your self-esteem and mental health. You might notice you feel anxious, low, lonely or not good enough.
You may not be sure what you're experiencing is covert bullying. After all, covert bullying can make you doubt yourself, or feel confused. Trust your instincts! Doubt and confusion are also important signs.
Why do people participate in social bullying?
Bullying is often about having power and control over others
When people use covert bullying tactics, they may:
- feel threatened by the person they’re targeting
- want to make themselves look better to others/their social group
- avoid punishment – they keep the bullying ‘under the radar’ so they can avoid possible consequences like getting in trouble
- they may be unhappy or struggling with something in their life and want to make someone else feel bad
Whatever the reason, it’s not your fault. You don’t have to psychoanalyse someone to know their behaviour isn’t okay.
Dealing with covert bullying
What to do when it’s subtle or hard to prove...
Covert bullying feels like it happens 'in the shadows' where no one can see it. This makes it hard to identify and to report.
Speaking up about it and keeping a record of it are two ways you can shine a light on it and help gain some control back. Let's explore these in more detail.
Don’t keep it secret – tell someone
People who behave in this way often try to look ‘innocent’. They don’t want to get caught. Don’t keep it secret – you deserve support. Tell one or more trustworthy adults, like a teacher, parent or Kids Helpline counsellor.
PSA: you don’t need ‘proof’ to let someone know what’s happening. And it’s not your responsibility to try and stop the bullying all on your own.
Keep a record – write it all down
The best thing you can do for this type of bullying is keep a record. Write down exactly what they said or did. Keep it factual with dates and times, and who was there. (You can backdate stuff that’s already happened too.)
Save screenshots, messages or posts if the bullying is happening online. Don’t reply if it could make things worse — show a trusted adult instead.
Check out our cyberbullying webpage for more information and support options.
Why this works: It can be easy to write off one small thing as a joke or misunderstanding. One “small thing” can be brushed off. A pattern? That’s a different story. Many adults, like teachers, psychologists and counsellors, understand that covert bullying is real. If the first person you tell doesn’t understand, try telling someone else.
Try to remove yourself from the situation
If it’s safe and possible, limit contact with the person. This could mean changing where you sit, leaving a group chat, muting or blocking someone, or spending time with people who make you feel safe. You’re allowed to protect your peace. That’s not dramatic — that’s smart.
You can learn more about how to practise assertive communication and set boundaries here.
Coping with the mental health impacts of social bullying
Your wellbeing is important!
Covert bullying behaviours can make you feel bad about yourself and doubt yourself — so make sure you look after your wellbeing while all this is going on. Here are some things that can help:
- Remind yourself that their behaviour is not a reflection of your worth. Their behaviour is about them and their own issues or insecurities.
- Accept how you feel. Your feelings aren’t being “dramatic”. They’re giving you information.
- Remind yourself of all the things you like about yourself. Write down your skills, achievements and strengths. Ask friends and family what they like most about you, too.
- Connect and spend time with friends. If you’ve lost friends as a result of what’s being said and done, spend some time building new connections with people who aren't part of that group.
- Do things you enjoy. Bullying can make it hard to truly see yourself or feel good about things you can do and achieve. Doing hobbies, sports or engaging in interests can help you feel more like yourself again.
- Be brave and keep trying! Covert bullying can sometimes make you hesitant to talk to others, anxious to have a go/participate in school or other activities, etc., as it can make you feel like you're being judged. Trying new things, participating and speaking up, even if you feel shy/anxious can be a great way to build your resilience muscle and confidence.
- If bullying is making you feel unsafe, hopeless, or like you might hurt yourself, tell a trusted adult straight away or contact Kids Helpline.
Need more mental health strategies? Check out our article on coping with bullying.
Real-life story
My friends ditched me
We had a new student at school and she joined our friend group. Everyone really liked her. We both applied for a school leadership role. I got one, she didn’t.
I started to notice that every time I spoke she would ignore me and treat me like I wasn't there. I tried to talk to my best friend about it, but they said they hadn't noticed it and I was being silly, so I stopped talking about it.
One day, my friends all stopped sitting with me at lunchtime. I started sitting by myself. I felt really left out and alone.
I spoke to my best friend in private and asked what was going on. I was worried I’d done something to offend everyone.
It turns out this new student was saying I said all this awful stuff to her. None of it was true! She was constantly criticising me behind my back (both at school and online). All my friends believed the stuff she said and got caught up in the drama, which really hurt.
I wrote down all the mean things that were being said, with the date, the witnesses, where it happened, etc., and reported it to a teacher.
The teacher spoke to her. At first, I thought it had made things worse. She said more awful things about me. I kept checking in with the teacher. It took a little while, but things started improving.
After a few weeks some of my friends apologised and told me they’d realised what she said wasn’t true and that it was bullying. And one of my friends told me that she’d been bullied by the same girl, too.
I’m still hurt my friends believed all those lies about me, and I did lose some friends over it. But I’m glad I got support.
Counsellor note: Getting support doesn’t mean you’re making a big deal out of it. It means you’re not letting sneaky behaviour stay sneaky. They told a teacher, kept checking in, wrote things down and didn’t try to manage it alone. Things may not always get fixed quickly, but getting support can make a big difference.
What if no one believes me?
One person not getting it doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
You can try reaching out the same person again. If they don't hear from you again, they may think the situation improved, or not realise it's a bullying pattern.
Or you can try another trustworthy adult who can help. And another, if you have to. Keep reaching out until you find someone who listens and takes your concerns seriously.
Keep recording what's happening, when, and who’s involved – it's important to show patterns, not just one event.
And, at the risk of sounding a bit like a broken record, you can contact Kids Helpline for support with what to say.
How do I know if it’s social bullying or friendship drama?
There can be a bit of overlap between drama and covert bullying.
It’s understandable if you’re finding it tricky to tell the difference. Social stuff can be messy. Your gut feeling is still worth listening to.
Bullying involves repeated behaviour, a power imbalance, humiliation, exclusion or attempts to control how others see you, and it can hurt you.
Friendship conflict usually goes both ways and can be talked through. It can still be heated, emotional and hurtful at times, but you generally feel safe around that person.
We’ve got this useful guide for how to handle it when friends are being mean to you and managing friendship dramas.
You don’t need to wait until things are “bad enough” to ask for help. It's never too late to get help - but it's also never too early to get help. Early support can prevent things from getting worse.
When to get extra help
If bullying is affecting sleep, eating, school, friendships or safety, it’s a sign to get support.
If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe – yep, definite warning sign to get support.
If there are threats, stalking, blackmail, discrimination or pressure to harm yourself, it’s important to ask for help!
Give us a call or start a webchat to get respectful and confidential support.
This content was last reviewed 23
