Coping with bullying
Mental health strategies for wellbeing and self-esteem
It’s understandable if you’re feeling stressed, anxious, down, lonely, or not great about yourself. Bullying can take a very real emotional toll – and you deserve support while you deal with it. This article goes through different mental health and wellbeing strategies to help you feel better and rebuild your self-esteem.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
If you or someone you care about is in immediate danger please call 000
Bullying can have a big impact on mental health
Bullying can take an emotional, physical and social toll.
Humans are social animals, and connecting with others, and belonging are core needs we all have. Teens in particular are extra sensitive to things like social cues (by design; going through puberty makes your brain really care about how others see you) - and being bullied, especially in social situations can feel very overwhelming and intense. Bullying can really impact on your feelings of connection and belonging with your peers.
Being bullied can also affect every part of your day and can impact how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about the future, too.
Even though experiencing bullying can feel so heavy, it’s important to remember all situations can change, there is always someone to listen and your story is always important.
If bullying is happening to you, it's important to know that you're not alone and support is available.
If you're looking for strategies to directly deal with bullying or cyberbullying, start here. Or keep reading for mental health strategies.
Why is bullying so harmful?
Bullying causes intense stress that’s different to other types of stress.
Everyone deserves to feel safe. Safety isn't just physical. 'Psycho-social safety' is about feeling mentally, emotionally and socially safe - it means being able to make mistakes, speak up, and be your true self without fear of being judged by others.
Bullying makes people feel psychologically and socially unsafe, and that's what causes harm (and even trauma) over time.
When we look at the definition of bullying it’s not surprising that it can have such a huge impact on mental health.
Bullying is any behaviour that unwanted, harmful or aggressive, that also:
- Happens repeatedly over time. Like a snowball effect, it adds up and grows bigger over time.
- Is intentional, i.e. it’s targeted at you, being done on purpose which can make it feel really personal and distressing.
- Involves a power imbalance. This may make you feel hopeless, helpless, or like you can’t do anything to make it stop.
- Causes harm emotionally, physically or socially. This means it can impact many aspects of your life – such as your body, your psychology, your friends, social life and reputation (how others see you).
All of these things combine to make bullying incredibly distressing to experience.
How bullying can affect your mental health
Bullying can be an incredibly difficult and lonely experience.
Bullying can leave you feeling:
Unsafe
Bullying can make places like school, sport, work or online spaces feel unpredictable or unsafe, which can trigger anxiety. You might:
- Feel nervous about school or social situations
- Worry about what others think
- Feel constantly on edge
Sad, down or upset
Being left out or targeted can cause us to feel really low, you might:
- Feel hopeless
- Lose interest in things you usually enjoy
- Experience low mood for long periods of time
Angry
Feeling furious is a really understandable reaction to being treated unfairly. You might:
- Feel irritable
- Get annoyed at people for not helping or understanding
- Feel tempted to snap back, shut people out or take the anger out on someone else, even when that’s not what you really want
Insecure
Because it is so personal and targeted bullying can make people:
- Doubt themselves
- Feel less confident
- Believe the unkind things others say about them
Isolated or excluded
Bullying behaviours are intended to isolate people so it can make it difficult to:
- Trust others
- Make friends or invest in friendship
- Feel connected to people around you
Stuck or powerless
Bullying is something that can feel like it will never end, you might notice:
- Feeling hopeless
- Feeling like things are going around in circles
- Wanting to give up
- Feeling like nothing will help
Everyone responds differently. There is no "right" way to feel. What is most important is noticing changes or impacts and reaching out for help ASAP.
Why does bullying hurt so much?
Bullying cuts so deep and really gets to you because of how your brain processes emotional pain.
Sometimes people say things like, “Why do you care what they think anyway? Don’t let it get to you – just ignore them.” It’s great advice in theory, but it doesn’t always take the sting out of being treated badly.
Let’s get neurosciency! Did you know that bullying can activate the same pathways in your brain as physical injuries/pain?
Humans are wired for social connection. Feeling rejected, judged or isolated isn’t ‘all in your head’. Your brain interprets this as a physical threat to survival. It can trigger a ‘fight flight freeze’ response in your body, which is literally a survival response.
This is because for most of human history, being rejected or abandoned by your community was actually a pretty life-threatening situation. Our brain still interprets being rejected by our peers as an actual risk to our safety. Which can help explain why bullying feels so distressing, overwhelming and all-consuming.
TL;DR: It’s not 'all in your head'. It’s actually a survival thing.
Warning signs that bullying might be affecting your mental health
Bullying can show up in every part of your body and your life and can have a huge impact on your wellbeing. This is why it’s so important to get support and make sure you have safe people in your corner.
Some warning signs include:
- Changes in mood
- Trouble sleeping
- Feeling stressed or overwhelmed
- Avoiding school, sport or social activities
- Feeling lonely
- Difficulty concentrating
- Feeling sick or having headaches
- Thinking negative things about yourself
- Feeling insecure or unsafe in social situations
- Avoiding online spaces or obsessively checking them
- Having thoughts of harming yourself
"I know it's tough being bullied but just remember you are smart, kind, beautiful and lots more."
-Anonymous teen
How do I cope with being bullied?
Here's quick guide to things that can help:
- Deal with the bullying. First things first, take action to try and stop the bullying. Not sure where to start? Start here.
- Get social support. Spend time with friends - or focus on making new friends who like you for you.
- Do things you enjoy. This can give you a mental break from the stress of bullying and is an important distraction.
- Focus on what you’re good at, your strengths, and how unique you are. Bullying can make you feel not good enough. Focus on celebrating the things that make you, you!
- Get professional support. A counsellor, psychologist, school wellbeing staff member or Kids Helpline counsellor can help you figure out what to do next. Bullying can be hard to manage and you shouldn’t have to solve it all on your own. The right support can help you make a plan that fits your situation and keeps your safety in mind.
- Know that things do get better. Bullying can be stopped and does stop - and you can get through this! Bullying might make you feel hopeless, helpless and worthless. Remember that bullying is temporary and many, many people have overcome it (and you can too). You are very worthy of love, care, kindness, friendship and respect, and all of that is waiting for you in your future.
Mental health strategies to cope with bullying
More in-depth strategies you can try.
Let’s get real for a second: bullying can hurt. People who bully may be trying to get a reaction, bring you down or make themselves feel powerful. Rude? Absolutely. Your fault? Not even a little bit.
The responsibility shouldn’t be on you to manage those consequences. But unfortunately, for so many of us – we’re the ones who have to deal with the aftermath of being targeted.
Our counsellors want to give you the best anti-bullying mental health strategies we have so you have the best chance of combating that negativity. Remember: coping strategies are super personal, so it’s important to find stuff that works best for you!
Strategy 1: Try not to take it personally
Bullying can feel very personal when you’re being targeted. But you’re not the problem.
The bigger picture is that people who bully are choosing to bully. You’re not responsible for that. We all have an onus on us to NOT be jerks – that's why ‘AITA?’ threads on Reddit exist.
Like seriously, they don’t have to even be ‘nice’ to you – they just have to leave you alone/not go out of their way to be mean. If they can’t – or won’t – do that, they’ve got problems. You are not the problem – their behaviour is. And that’s why you shouldn’t blame yourself.
Strategy 2: Use humour
Bullying is no laughing matter! But, humour, if used the right way, can be a way to take back your power (in certain bullying situations).
Quick safety check: humour works best when it helps you feel calmer inside. If you feel like using humour could make you feel worse, skip it and focus on getting support.
Wanting to try humour as a mental health strategy? Here’s one suggestion that might help! Imagine you’re a comedian telling a funny story about the bullying you’re experiencing. In your story, you’re the somewhat perplexed hero – and the bullying is so petty and so silly, that it’s actually entertaining. The person using the bullying is vexing you at every turn, thinking they’re using your ‘kryptonite’ against you – but you’re looking at all their behaviours thinking, ‘lmao, what on earth are they thinking? They call that an insult?’
Remember: this strategy isn't about minimising or dismissing something that's causing harm. Rather, it's about changing your perspective on it to take back your power and improve your wellbeing.
Real-life story
Using humour to cope with bullying
Someone at school started treating me like I didn’t exist. They spread rumours and ignored me whenever I tried to speak. At first, I felt embarrassed and really hurt. Then I talked to a friend who had noticed what was happening. We ended up laughing about how strange it was — like I was suddenly invisible, even when I was doing normal things like opening a door or holding my phone. It didn’t make the bullying okay, and it didn’t make it stop, but it helped me feel less embarrassed and less alone. After that, when it happened, I could remind myself, ‘This behaviour is weird — and it’s not about me.’ Finding a bit of humour helped me take back some power and protect how I felt about myself.
Strategy 3: Use compassion
Not gonna lie, this one can be tricky to do too. But if you can learn to do it and do it well, it can be a great strategy for life.
Important: compassion does not mean excusing the bullying, staying quiet, being nice to someone who is hurting you or putting yourself in an unsafe situation. It’s about protecting your own peace while still getting help and holding boundaries.
The power of this strategy is to live up to your values and be 'the bigger person'. One way you can try to do this is by 'putting yourself on the witness stand'!
Imagine you’re a psychologist (or maybe a Kids Helpline counsellor?) giving evidence in a court room. The court wants your expert opinion on ‘why’ that person is acting in such a harmful way. You have a professional curiosity about what caused them to turn out this way and do these things. You feel kind of bad for them because you know that ‘hurt people hurt people’, i.e. someone who thinks harming someone is acceptable might be really suffering on the inside. That’s not an excuse, and doesn’t let them off the hook – but they must be struggling with their own issues if they think bullying is acceptable.
Real-life story
Using compassion for inner peace
My friend was being bullied by someone who was popular and friendly around other people. They had to work together on a project, and when no one else was nearby, he would make unkind comments and put her down. At first, she felt angry and tried to defend herself, but he would laugh it off. Over time, it really started affecting her confidence and wellbeing.
She decided she didn’t want his behaviour to control how she felt about herself. So, when he made hurtful comments, she tried to stay calm and remind herself, ‘This says more about him than it does about me.’ Sometimes she would respond with something simple like, ‘I’m sorry you feel the need to say that,’ and then get back to the task. It didn’t make his behaviour okay, and she still reached out for support, but it helped her feel less responsible for his choices. Over time, she focused more on being the kind of person she wanted to be — respectful, calm and kind — and less on trying to change him. That helped her feel stronger and more in control.
Strategy 4: Get revenge (said no counsellor ever) – by living your best life!
Unfortunately, haters are sometimes gonna hate on you.
No matter what you do, there will be people who don’t like you for simply being who you are – and some people seem to think that gives them the right to take it out on you. If you did change yourself, blame yourself, hate yourself, etc., they still wouldn’t be satisfied.
So don’t give them satisfaction! You do you. Do what makes you happy and live your life to the fullest! (And get support from Kids Helpline or another professional if you need it - you deserve to be safe and happy!)
"I have just switched to the mentality of not worrying about things that are not within my control anymore."
-Anonymous teen
When should I get extra help?
Bullying can get overwhelming quickly and you can reach out for support any time.
Bullying can get overwhelming quickly and you can reach out for support any time. You and your story are important! It is particularly important to reach out for support if you are feeling unsafe or needing immediate support.
Consider speaking with a trusted adult or counsellor if bullying is affecting your daily life, you're struggling to cope, you're feeling constantly anxious or sad, or you're withdrawing from friends or activities. If you're having thoughts of harming yourself please tell a trusted adult straight away.
Give us a call or start a webchat to get respectful and confidential support.
This content was last reviewed 28
