Dealing with public bullying
How to respond to bullying that happens in person, in front of other people
People often ask Kids Helpline counsellors for strategies, including things they can say or do when they’re being targeted by bullying. We’ve gathered our best strategies for this type of bullying for you to try if it feels safe.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
I'm being bullied to my face, in-front of other people...
Let's understand the two different types of 'overt bullying', so you can find the best strategies for you're situation.
Face-to-face bullying that happens in front of other people is a type of ‘overt’ bullying — bullying that's obvious. People who see it can usually recognise it as bullying.
There's another type of overt in-person bullying which is more about how the person being bullied reacts. It might happen in front of others, but it might also happen when you’re alone and no one is around to see. The person bullying is motivated by getting to you. If you think the type of bullying you're experiencing is about getting a reaction from you (and less about the 'audience'), you might find the 'dealing with face-to-face bullying' article helpful.
Bullying that mostly happens in front of others is generally about having an 'audience', or how other people (who witness the bullying) react/respond. People doing this type of bullying might do it as part of a group (i.e. there are a few people bullying), or they might want to 'be seen' a certain way - as tough, funny, dangerous, etc.. They're also more likely to leave you alone/not bully you if no one else is around. If this sounds like your situation, keep reading/scrolling for stuff you can say and do to combat the bullying.
It's okay if you're not sure, confused, or think it's both about your reaction, and other people witnessing it. These types of bullying can overlap — a lot. And sometimes people experience both types of bullying at once. We suggest reading both articles and using the strategies that you feel most comfortable with.
Why does it matter which type of overt bullying you're experiencing? Because the best strategies stops the person bullying from getting what they want. If they want your reaction, there are specific strategies to react differently. If they want attention from others, strategies that change how other's react are most helpful.
Just a note: overt bullying can also happen online. Check out our cyberbullying page for more.
Why do people bully in front of an audience?
Let's explore the intention behind this type of bullying, so we can best combat it
The 'audience’ could be people who are friends with the person/people bullying you, your friends, your peers (e.g. other people in your class) or just anyone who’s around.
When people repeatedly pick on you in front of other people, they may be encouraged by other people’s reactions. Sometimes it's about having power and control over others. And sometimes, hurt people hurt people - they may be unhappy and trying to bring others down. Sometimes people bully in social situations for attention (even if that attention is negative). Even if those people stay silent/don’t join in, it can sometimes add fuel to the bullying fire. Some people enjoy shocking or upsetting others (like offline rage baiting).
And just to be clear: people staying silent doesn’t mean they agree. Sometimes they freeze or don’t know what to do.
People who do this type of bullying might also be trying to seem ‘tough’ or ‘funny’ or ‘cool’. They might want to 'test' the audience to see if anyone will say something. They may even like making the audience uncomfortable or upset (like a type of offline 'trolling').
These are explanations for their behaviour, but never an excuse. Bullying is never okay, no matter the reason.
Public bullying can be very distressing
We know that having an audience can make the bullying feel even worse – especially if other people join in or don’t help! All humans have a need to connect with others, and to belong. Bullying can feel like being judged and rejected by others.
Being bullied is really upsetting. Being bullied in front of others can be even tougher. People who have experienced public bullying might:
- Feel humiliated – people who are bullied in front of others often feel ashamed
- Feel rejected or isolated – having people join in, or even just stay silent, can make you feel like no one cares or supports you
- Feel anxious around other people – being in groups and socialising is hard enough already; being scared of being bullied too can make you anxious about socialising or being in public
If this has made you want to avoid people, that makes sense – but you still deserve safety, support and connection.
Dealing with public bullying
What to say and do when there are people watching and listening.
The best way to combat this type of bullying is to help other people see what’s really happening. Here are some ways you can try to do this:
Name it or call it out
The goal is to calmly name the behaviour so the attention shifts back where it belongs — on their behaviour, not you. For example, you could say, “Hey, what you’re doing is actually bullying” or "Negative comments on someone's appearance is called 'body shaming'."
Act like you don't get it - and make them explain it
This works well for inappropriate jokes, or subtle/indirect discrimination where someone is ‘punching down’. Say, “I don’t get it – explain it to me,” and wait expectantly for their answer.
Most people realise that they don’t come off looking like the hero when they need to explain why they find it entertaining to pick on someone (and are less likely to do it again in the future).
Use humour/a funny comeback
A witty comeback can work well. If the person bullying you wants to look tough, cool, or in control, and you stump them with something clever or funny, they come off looking bad and you look better. That's the total opposite outcome than what they wanted, and they are more likely to think twice about targeting you. For more information on this, including a list of comebacks you can try, check out the 'dealing with face-to-face bullying' artice.
Report it
Talk to someone about the bullying. If a friend has witnessed it, you can always ask them to help you tell an adult what’s going on. (It never hurts to have backup!)
Upstanders: a secret weapon to combat bullying
How your friends can make a difference.
According to one study, when friends or peers act as ‘upstanders’ (i.e. stand up to bullying), the bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time!
There are many safe, easy ways for friends to have your back.
Friends can change the vibe fast! If you know the bullying is coming because it keeps happening in certain locations or situations, ask your friends to show they disagree with what’s happening. They can frown or shake their heads, for example.
They can also stand with or behind you, using body language to show they ‘have your back’.
See if a friend can stand up for you. If you have good, supportive friends, you can always plan together for your friends to stand up for you. They could try to interrupt or create a distraction when bullying happens, help you ignore the bullying by chatting with you, or even speak up against the bullying. Check out the ‘my friend is bullied’ article for more details.
Safety note for your friends: upstanders should help in ways that don’t put them at risk.
Real-life story
My friends had my back
I had a minor disagreement with a boy in another year level at my school. After that, he started calling me names and yelling insults at me whenever we crossed paths at recess or lunch.
I talked to my friends and we decided what to say and do. I had some comebacks ready to stand up for myself. They were confident but still respectful. And my friends said they’d back me up next time it happened.
The next time he called me names, I calmly used my comeback. He seemed shocked. I don’t think he expected me to stand up to him.
My friends had my back. They told him they agreed with me and what he was doing wasn't okay. They even ended up talking to some of his friends about what was going on and encouraged them to be upstanders too. (For the record, his friends were mostly very nice and we’d always gotten along well.)
I think his friends told him to cut it out after that. And thankfully, things did improve.
Asking someone to help in-the-moment
Turning bystanders into upstanders.
People who see bullying happening to someone else are called 'bystanders'. A lot of bystanders don’t like what’s happening, but they just freeze. They don’t know how to help, or they think someone else will help instead.
There are lots of safe ways for bystanders to step in. There are things you can say and do to make it easier for bystanders to step up and become upstanders. We know it can be nerve wracking speaking up to ask for help. And people are sometimes worried it might make them seem 'weak'. But many people who see bullying do want to help - and those who become upstanders feel good about helping.
Try asking someone for help
If you’re being bullied in front of other people, single someone out and directly ask them to help. You can ask them by name and say: “Hey, Jordan, can you come with me?”
According to research, asking someone by name to step in increases the chances they’ll help. You can even ask a stranger to intervene, e.g. "Hey, you in the blue top! Back me up here."
Give them a 'job' to do
Research has also shown that when you give people specific instructions, they’re more likely to help. You could say something like, “Hey, you in the footy scarf – can you tell the teacher what’s going on?”, "Josh, can you walk with me to class?", or “Mary, can you stay with me for a sec?”
In one study, when peers/upstanders intervene, 57% of bullying stops within 10 seconds.
Other options
Comebacks and upstanders aren't the only ways to stop bullying.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to try to stop bullying all on your own! One of the best ways to deal with bullying is to talk to trustworthy adults like teachers. In one study, 73% of students said that adults addressing the bullying helped improve their situation.
If the bullying is impacting on your mental health and wellbeing, there are some coping strategies that can really help.
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