My friend is being bullied
It’s really hard to see someone you care about being hurt or left out. There are safe ways you can support your friend.
This article will go through safe actions you can take, how to be there for them, and other things that might help.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
Supporting someone being bullied
Here’s what to do right now.
Maybe you saw your friend get picked on. Or maybe they told you what they’re going through. Here’s how to be there for them:
- Listen to them without judging
- Let them know what’s happening isn’t okay, e.g. “I’m really sorry this is happening. You don’t deserve this.”
- Let them know you’re concerned and you support them, e.g. “I'm really worried this is happening and I think we should get some help.”
- Let them know their feelings are okay, e.g. “It makes sense you’re feeling really upset.”
- Help them write down what happened, who was there and when
- Remind them of their strengths. They might be feeling bad about themselves (especially if mean things are being said about them). Let them know all the things you like about them!
- Encourage them to talk to a trustworthy adult, like a teacher or parent, or a Kids Helpline counsellor
You don’t need to handle this on your own. It’s okay for you to get support for yourself too.
If the bullying is happening online, here are ways to support your friend.
The role of a friend is to support. You don't have responsibility to 'stop' the bullying or fix your friend's problem. That's not your friend's responsibility either! The role of a trustworthy adult is to help and protect.
They asked me to keep the bullying a secret
It’s normal to feel torn, but their safety and wellbeing is the most important thing.
Keeping a secret sounds loyal, but safety comes first. Always. There are times when you might have to tell a trustworthy adult, even if it means breaking a promise. You can say something like, “I care about you too much to keep this secret if you’re not safe.”
If your friend is in danger, or you’re worried about their safety, it’s important to tell a parent, teacher or professional (like a school counsellor or GP). You may be able to ask them to keep it anonymous, too, if possible.
Here are some reasons you might seek help:
- the bullying includes physical harm or threats of harm
- it won’t stop or it’s getting worse
- your friend seems very overwhelmed or upset
- you think they might hurt themselves
- your friend is suicidal
If your friend is in immediate danger, tell a trustworthy adult straight away and call 000.
Trust your gut. If you feel like it’s time to get adults involved, please tell someone.
"I wish I had friends I knew in person to support me and provide me with their own, genuine advice, doesn't matter if they had gone through the same thing, because in that period that I was bullied I had no one my age to open up to, and this made me feel alone and weird...”
-Anonymous teen
The bullying happens in front of me
If you froze or didn’t know what to do, you’re not a bad friend. What matters is what you do next.
Bystanders are people who see bullying happening (but aren’t involved in it). Bullying can be scary and confusing in the moment. Sometimes people think it’s not their problem – and that someone else will help.
You don’t have to do something big to help. Even if you don’t step in at the time, checking on your friend afterwards can still make a big difference. And, if it’s safe, you could try being an upstander if it happens again.
The role of ‘upstanders’ (no cape required)
Every action helps.
An upstander is someone who sees bullying and does something to help (safely).
Upstanders are powerful for three reasons:
- It can help stop the bullying. Sometimes people who bully want an audience. When others show they don’t agree, it can make bullying less likely to continue.
- It shows your friend they’re not alone. Knowing someone cares can help them feel less isolated.
- You're showing leadership. By stating the behaviour you see, e.g. "That was an unkind comment", you're role modelling respectful behaviour. And that's powerful for you, and for others!
Being an upstander doesn’t always mean confronting the person doing the bullying. Upstanders can help in other ways, like emotionally supporting someone who’s being bullied or reporting it so they can get help.
How to stand up for your friend
The bullying is happening in front of you, and you want to do something about it immediately.
Here are some options for being an upstander right then and there. Some of the options are more direct than others, but even small upstander actions can help.
Disapprove
Show you don’t agree with the bullying, e.g. frown at a mean joke and shake your head to show you don’t think it’s right.
Interrupt
Interrupt the bullying by talking directly to your friend, e.g. “Hey, there you are!” You can also try to distract them or change the subject, e.g. “Oh, that reminds me! Did anyone do last night’s maths homework?”
Help them leave
Give your friend an excuse to leave the situation, e.g. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Call it out
If you feel safe to do so, you can speak out and say you disagree with the bullying, e.g. “Hey, not cool” or “Can we not do this?”
You can also call out the specific behaviour too, e.g. "That comment was mean", or "That's actually body shaming."
Get help
Help your friend talk to a trustworthy adult, such as a teacher, parent or Kids Helpline counsellor. (Or report what happened yourself if you’re worried about their safety).
Support
Don’t forget to support your friend in private! You can check in with them afterwards, message them later, sit with them, let them know what’s happening is not okay and give them space to talk about it.
Real-life story
Standing up for my bestie
There was someone in our friend group who kept putting my best friend down. One moment she’d be friendly, and the next she’d criticise my friend in front of everyone and make her cry. It seemed like she only treated my friend that way.
I spoke to my friend, and we made a plan together. We agreed that if it happened again and it felt safe, I’d say something and help her leave the situation.
It happened in front of a big group of friends. Everyone was talking about what to wear to a party. My friend said she felt uncomfortable wearing the costume another girl suggested, and the girl got angry and uninvited her in front of everyone.
I said something like, “Wow, that was really mean. If she’s not invited, I’m not coming either, because leaving someone out like that isn’t okay.”
A few of our friends nodded, and later they told me, “Good on you” for standing up for her. The girl seemed surprised and left.
The next day, she acted like nothing had happened and didn’t apologise. She did the same kind of thing a few more times, but whenever she did, I calmly pointed it out — and some of our other friends did too. After a while, the bullying seemed to happen less.
What I learnt: I was nervous to speak up at first, but having a plan made it easier. My friend told me later it helped knowing she wasn’t alone.
What if standing up for my friend makes me the next target?
Sometimes speaking up can help stop bullying – but your safety matters too.
It’s understandable to worry about this. Stepping in can help to stop bullying quickly. And it doesn’t automatically mean you’ll become their new target.
Being an upstander, when done safely, can be empowering. People who stood up to bullying reported improved mental health, reduced anxiety and depression and increased self-esteem.
And being an upstander can sometimes encourage other people to help and become upstanders too (which is a great result)!
Your safety matters too — we love bravery, not risky main-character moments. You don’t have to confront anyone to be an upstander or a good friend.
There are still lots of ways you can help, like:
- Get help from a teacher or adult
- Distract or interrupt rather than challenge directly
- Support your friend afterwards
- Get other friends involved in supporting your friend
- Report what happened
Remember, you can still help without putting yourself in danger.
If your friends are the ones bullying them, or you were involved in the bullying before, our ‘My friends are bullying someone’ article can help.
"We may feel temporary fear or judgement from being an upstander, but in the long term, it's a really valuable trait to have, and people do appreciate this from the inside.”
-anonymous teen
Why should we involve adults?
You will notice the articles on bullying repeatedly talk about talking to a trustworthy or safe adult...why?
Peers and friends are a massive support during bullying experiences, and you absolutely should support and be supported by your friends. It’s understandable that sometimes you might want to try and sort stuff out yourself, too.
However, it is also super important to also seek the support of trustworthy and safe adults (people who will take action and prioritise your safety and wellbeing like family members, school staff and counsellors).
This is because adults may have more resources, responsibilities and influence. Adult involvement can often help improve the bullying situation. Most importantly, trustworthy adults have an important role and responsibility to help.
Being a friend means supporting them by listening and caring, not solving all their problems.
Long story short, it's good to talk to as many different types of people as possible so that both you and your friends are supported.
If I tell an adult about the bullying without my friend knowing... can it stay anonymous?
Will adults have to tell my friend it was me who told them?
Great question! The simple answer is it depends.
It will depend on who you tell, what processes/rules they need to follow, and what’s happening.
For instance, if you tell a teacher about bullying that’s happened in public, in front of lots of people, they may be able to keep it anonymous who told them.
Where possible, adults will try and be sensitive about info they keep private, and info they may have to share.
You can ask them about privacy and confidentiality and work through it together if it’s a concern you have. Ideally, you should also be involved in - and informed about - what happens next to support your friend.
What not to do
Some reactions can make things harder (even if you mean well).
When people are being bullied, confiding in someone takes courage. Here are some actions or responses to try and avoid:
- ‘Just ignore it’ is not always the helpful advice people think it is (but it can sometimes be a useful way to respond to mean behaviour that's just started)
- Going full confrontation mode might feel tempting, but safety first
- Do not turn their pain into group chat content - absolutely not!
- Don’t pressure your friend to report before they’re ready, unless their safety is at risk
- Don’t promise to keep unsafe secrets
- Don't try to "bring the bully down" by talking bad about them or bullying them
If you’ve already done some of these things, it’s okay – we all make mistakes, even when we mean well. You can start by apologising, letting them know you care, and seeing if they’re opening to talking about what would help.
We’ve talked about it... now what?
Here’s what to do to keep supporting your friend over the next few weeks and months.
Check in regularly
Just because a friend stops mentioning it doesn’t mean the bullying has stopped. Keep on checking in on how it’s going, how they’re feeling, if anything has changed, etc. And encourage them to keep talking to a trusted adult.
Help them avoid being alone with the person bullying them
If you’re often in the same place the bullying happens, like school or sports club, try spending more time with them. You might try to go to training together or walk together between classes.
Do something fun
Bullying is the worst, and it can make people feel stressed or feel bad about themselves. Connecting with friends and having a great time can help improve wellbeing and self-esteem. After all, having fun is one of the best parts of friendship!
What if my friend says they don’t want help?
It's hard when you can see your friend is struggling, but they aren't ready to ask for help or take action.
There are lots of reasons why someone might not want any action taken. They might be worried the bullying will get worse or they might want to handle it themselves.
Try not to pressure them. Instead, focus on low-pressure actions, like:
- Checking in once is great. Checking in again later? Elite friend behaviour
- Respect their boundaries, but don’t ignore safety risks
- Remind them they deserve support
- Offer to help them talk to a trustworthy adult or contact Kids Helpline
- Spend time together doing things they enjoy. Fun won’t magically fix bullying, but it can remind your friend they’re more than what’s happening to them
- If you’re worried about their safety, talk to a trusted adult yourself
Remember that it’s not on you to have to solve everything alone.
Help can take many forms
If you’re supporting someone who’s being bullied, you deserve support too.
Thank you for being there for your friend. It probably means more than you know.
Just a gentle reminder: bullying is complicated. Fixing it shouldn’t rest on your shoulders.
We know it can be hard seeing someone you care about struggling with bullying. You might feel angry, helpless, frustrated or any other type of emotion. Make sure you look after yourself and your own wellbeing too!
If supporting your friend feels hard, you can talk to Kids Helpline too. We’re here for you and your friends.
Give us a call or start a webchat to get respectful and confidential support.
This content was last reviewed 13
