My friends are bullying someone
It’s tough when people you care about act in a way you don’t agree with
It’s understandable if you’re feeling stuck and not sure what to do. There are things you can do that may help. This article helps you figure out what to do, including how to talk about it with your friends and how to safely support the person being bullied. Remember: you don’t have to handle it alone.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
My friends are bullying someone – what do I do?
Here’s how to talk to them about it!
Realising your friends are bullying someone can feel seriously awkward. Like, ‘please don’t make me be the responsible one today’ awkward.
It’s brave of you to recognise your friends are acting in a way that is harmful. Bullying is everyone’s problem, and every act of support can help stop it.
Talking about it can be hard, but it can really help. You can always talk to a trustworthy adult first if needed.
Here’s how to have that conversation with your friends...
Talk one on one, in private
If only one friend is bullying, have a heart to heart with them. If more than one friend is bullying, start by talking with one of the friends who are doing it privately. Choose the friend most likely to actually listen, not the one who treats every conversation like a group chat debate.
Name what’s happening
Do be specific about what was said or done. “That joke came across really mean” or “I think that crossed a line.”
Don’t say stuff like: “You’re being such a bully” or “You always pick on them.” The behaviour is the problem, not your friend, and it might come across as a personal attack.
Focus on how it affects you
Use “I” statements to share how you feel. “I feel really uncomfortable about how they’re being treated” or “I see you as my best friend, but I think what’s happening isn’t okay.”
Work out what to do next
Don’t just drop the truth bomb and vanish. Decide what to do moving forward. This could include talking to other friends together. For example, “Let’s all try and be nicer to them” or “Let’s speak to the others to get them to lay off.”
What to do if a friend reacts badly
Even with the best intentions, feelings can still get hurt. And hurt people can get hurtful. If the conversation isn’t going well, remind your friend you care about them and can understand if they want a little space to think things through. Give it a day or two and then check in with them again.
What to do if the bullying happens in front of you
Here’s how to stand up in the moment to protect someone from bullying.
Sometimes, the best approach is to respond to your friends as the bullying is happening. You can lead by example using the steps below.
Be prepared
Having a few lines ready can help you respond without panic-writing a speech in your head. If you’ve noticed something that isn’t okay and think it might happen again, you can create a plan of what you might say or do.
Don’t join in
There can sometimes be unspoken pressure to join in. Sometimes, a friend might even try to ‘rope you in’. If they try to get you to participate directly by making a comment you can just shrug and say, “Leave me out of it.” Or you can make an excuse to leave, “Count me out. I’m going to the canteen.”
Show you disapprove
Silence can look like you agree or you’re okay with what’s happening. You can use your body language to show it’s not okay. Simply frowning or shaking your head can be easy ways to show you’re not on board with what’s happening.
Step in safely
If you feel confident and safe, you can call out the bullying or stand up to your friends (see more on that below). There are other less confronting ways to step in safely too.
- You can interrupt the bullying. For instance, make a neutral comment, or change the topic. E.g. “Oh, that reminds me – did you watch [show] last night?”
- Give the person being bullied an excuse to leave. “Before I forget, [teacher] was looking for you.”
Other ways to discourage bullying in friends
You can call out or call in.
Calling out means speaking up against a behaviour. It’s where you 'stand up’ for someone in the moment. It’s normally quick, polite and public. (It doesn’t have to be ‘aggressive.)’
Calling in is a great option for people who feel like calling them out isn’t something they can do. Maybe you feel nervous, shy or unsure what to say in the moment. Calling in is a conversation you have in private with a friend, where you help them understand how their behaviour affects someone.
We know these concepts can be a bit tricky to understand and use, so we have some practical examples below.
Calling out vs calling in
Quick one-liners to call out respectfully, or call in. Both can help!
Call out
Correcting harmful behavior fast, publicly.
- “That crossed a line.”
- “Let's not.”
- “Can we not pile on?”
- “That was harsh.”
- “Let’s not make this a group activity.”
- “Ouch, that was unkind."
- “That wasn’t necessary.”
- “Not loving where this is going...”
Call in
Talk about it one on one, in private.
- “Can I talk to you about what happened?”
- “I don’t think that came across how you intended.”
- “Did you mean to hurt their feelings?”
- “I know you can handle this differently.”
- “I’d want someone to tell me if I came across that way.”
- “I think you’re better than that.”
Responding to rumours, mean jokes and excluding someone
Examples of what to say to your friends about specific types of bullying.
A mean joke
Call out: “That joke did not pass the vibe check.”
Call in: “I know you might not have meant any harm, but that joke could actually be hurtful!”
Leaving someone out
Call out: “Let’s not make this awkward. They’re invited.”
Call in: “I feel like [name] is being left out. Let’s include them – everyone deserves to feel welcome in our group.”
Spreading rumours
Call out: “That sounds made up. I don’t think we should spread it.”
Call in: “I heard what you said. It sucks to have people talking about you behind your back. That could really hurt them.”
Gossip
Call out: “Yeah, I'd rather stay out of personal drama - and you should too.”
Call in: “I don't feel comfortable talking about this without them here. Let's change the subject!”
Seeing and hearing bullying can affect you too, even if you’re not the target. Your brain is still sitting there like, ‘Cool, love this stress’. Seeing bullying can impact your mental health – but taking action to help can improve your mental health. Win!
What if I’m scared to say anything?
Friendships can be complicated. Sometimes the group chat has more politics than Parliament!
Being able to talk about it, call in or call out can depend on your friendship group. If these don’t feel like good options for you, there are still things you can do, like:
- You can ask other friends to help
- You can talk it through with an adult
- You can also support the person being bullied
- You can get backup. Doing the right thing does not have to be a solo mission
Support the person being bullied
Being bullied can feel very lonely. It helps a lot to know someone cares. Here’s how you can reach out to the person being bullied and be there for them:
- Check in with them privately
- Don’t force them to talk
- Ask what they need
- Sit with them, message them or include them
- Encourage them to get help
"I wanted and still just want someone to be there for me and not tell me I'm imagining it".
-Anonymous teen
What if my friends hate or ditch me for speaking up?
It can feel scary to speak up, especially when the people bullying someone are your friends.
It makes sense to worry about losing friends. You might feel nervous about being judged, left out or told you’re ‘taking sides’.
But speaking up against bullying doesn’t mean you’re choosing one person over another. It means you’re saying the behaviour isn’t okay.
We all have different values when it comes to healthy, respectful and safe friendships. It also makes sense that putting in boundaries can be hard - and being called out on their behaviour can be hard too.
A good friend can care about someone and still tell them when they’ve gone too far. If you were hurting someone without meaning to, you’d probably want a friend to tell you in a calm and respectful way.
They might be annoyed at first. Being called out is not everyone’s favourite activity. They might need time to think about what you said. But they may also realise you’re the kind of friend who has the courage to do the right thing.
If you’re worried your friends might retaliate, threaten you or make things unsafe, you don’t have to handle it alone. Talk to a trusted adult, like a parent, carer, teacher, school counsellor or Kids Helpline.
Real-life story
I gave into peer pressure to bully someone...
There was a girl who came to some classes at my school. Some students treated her badly because she seemed different.
A few boys in my class, who I was friends with, would pick on her when the teacher wasn’t around. At first, I stayed quiet. I told myself it wasn’t my problem.
One day, they started picking on her again. Other people were watching, and I joined in. People laughed, and for a moment it felt good to be part of the group.
But afterwards, I felt awful. I realised I had made things worse for her.
Later, I apologised to her. She was upset and didn’t want to talk to me, which I understood.
I also told a teacher what had been happening. The teacher didn’t make a big scene. They checked in on her and helped stop it happening as often.
What I learnt: Staying silent can look like joining in, and that there’s sometimes this unspoken pressure to join in too. But I’m glad I told the teacher what was happening. I also learnt that getting an adult involved doesn’t have to mean making a massive scene.
When to get help
If things feel unsafe, don’t try to handle it with vibes and bravery alone.
It’s important to get help and support if any of these things are happening:
- the bullying keeps happening or is getting worse
- someone is being threatened
- it’s happening online
- you’re scared of your friends’ reaction
- the person being bullied seems really upset
- you’re not sure what to do
Report it to a teacher/someone at the school, talk to a parent/carer or reach out to Kids Helpline.
Remember: Getting help isn’t dobbing. It’s making sure someone’s safety is taken seriously.
This content was last reviewed 13
