Dealing with face-to-face bullying
When bullying is obvious, in-person and physical or verbal there are things that can really help.
People often ask Kids Helpline counsellors for specific things they can say or do when they’re being targeted by bullying. We’ve gathered our best strategies for you to try if it feels safe.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
What is ‘overt’ bullying?
Overt bullying is the obvious kind – the stuff other people usually see and hear.
Because of how open, observable and clear these actions are, they’re often easier to identify as bullying, and to report. Examples of overt bullying can include:
- Physical bullying: This might be getting in your space or harming you, e.g. shoving, pulling hair, flicking rubber bands at the back of your head
- Verbal bullying: name calling, insults, making fun, etc.
- Humiliation: mocking you, ridiculing you, criticising you in public
- Intimidation: threatening you, blocking your path, making aggressive gestures, trying to make you do things
Experiencing this type of bullying is really difficult. It’s understandable if you’re feeling down, upset or angry.
Types of overt bullying
There are two different kinds of overt bullying, and they're motivated by different things - which means that you need different strategies to try to stop the bullying.
If you can figure out what the person bullying you might be 'getting out of it', you can sometimes make it so it’s not rewarding them anymore. This doesn’t mean the bullying is your fault. It just helps you choose what might work.
Read about the two types below and see what seems like the best fit in your situation.
Bullying that's about 'the audience'
Bullying that happens in public. It seems to be more about other people being around.
If they saw you when no one was around, they might ignore you.
They seem to care less about your reactions, and care more about what other people say, do or think. They might like having witnesses, or want to seem tough, cool, or funny in front of others.
If you think this is main type of bullying you're experiencing, our 'dealing with public bullying' article can help.
Bullying that's about your reaction
Their main motivation seems to be trying to purposely upset you. This is 'face-to-face' bullying.
This type of bullying may even happen when you’re alone. It might happen around other people, but it doesn’t seem to be about ‘the audience’ - it's feels like it's all about getting your attention and your response.
This article covers how to address exactly this type of bullying - so keep scrolling for our best strategies.
Not sure what type of bullying? Or think it's a mix of both? You can always check out our 'dealing with bullying' article as a starting point, or for strategies to manage all types of bullying.
What does bullying that's about your reaction look like?
This type of face-to-face bullying is often about making you feel upset, angry, or humiliated. It can look like:
- physical harm, like hitting, kicking, or shoving
- physical actions like snatching your hat off your head, putting your bag in a tree, or flicking rubber bands at the back of your head
- verbal actions like insults, taunts and name calling
- non-verbal things (i.e. body language) like rolling their eyes at you whenever you talk or making threatening hand gestures
Hurtful? Yes. Your fault? Absolutely not.
Dealing with reaction-based, face-to-face bullying
Here's how to not give them the reaction they want.
We know it can be easier said than done, but acting calm and unbothered can be helpful. Without the payoff of a reaction, they can sometimes lose interest.
Quick reality check: bullying is complicated. There’s no magic sentence that fixes everything. But small, safe steps (like those below) can help.
Ignore it
You can totally pretend like you didn't even hear it. This sometimes works for the first instance of bullying, or occasional bullying. (But if it keeps happening, don’t keep ignoring it).
Give short, emotionless answers
You want to seem uninteresting to them. If they’re trying to get a reaction out of you, and can’t, they’re more likely to give up and move on. You can say something like, "Okay", "Mmm-hmm," "Sure", "Wow, groundbreaking opinion," or "If you say so" (in a flat way). Or you can use actions, like a shrug or a thumbs up.
Act like you agree with them
Sometimes called the, "yes, and" technique, this can work well for some types of insults. Denial can be fuel - they want you to argue or be hurt. If you agree, there's no where left for the conversation to go - it kind of dies a natural death.
Plus, agreeing can take the sting out of the insult. Bonus points if you can agree cheerfully! Here's some examples:
- They say, "What you're wearing is so embarrassing." You say, "Thanks! That's the look I was going for!"
- They say, "Ew, why are you so weird?" You say, "You have no idea. Just wait, I can get weirder."
- They say, "Omg you're so annoying." You say, "Yep, it's a special talent of mine."
- They say, "Wow you suck at that." You say, "Honestly, it takes skill to be this bad at it!"
- They say, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." You say, "Really? Challenge accepted! I have a million more stupid thoughts where that one came from."
- They say, "Why are you such a loser?" You say, "Haven't you heard? I was elected president of the loser the club."
Note: you’re not agreeing the insults are true – you're taking away its impact to shut it down.
Bullying is experienced differently by everyone. And we all have different strengths and skills. It’s okay if some of these strategies don’t feel right for you and your situation. It’s up to you what you do or try next.
Face-to-face bullying: how to respond with confidence
Learning how to safely stand up for yourself can also discourage bullying.
We can't control other people's behaviour, but we do have power over how we respond to them. When you choose how you are going to respond, you show them they don't have control over you and you take back some of your power.
Plus, people who bully may ‘test the waters’ by making small comments or pushing boundaries. They may be trying to suss out people who get visibly upset and don’t stand up for themselves. You don’t have to feel confident to act confident for 10 seconds. Here’s how:
Calmly call it out
Name the behaviour for what it is. You could say things like:
- “Hey, did you know what you’re doing here is actually bullying?”
- “Oops, did you mean to say that out loud?"
- “That was a really unkind comment.”
- “Are you this mean to everyone or just me?”
Turn it back on them
Turning it back on them means flipping it around so their comment looks weird, not you. The goal isn’t to hurt or bully them back — it’s to show their words aren’t getting the reaction they wanted. You can say something like, “Omg, why are you so obsessed with me?”, "Does saying things like that make you feel better about yourself?", "What a random thing to say!", or “I feel bad for you – I'm living rent-free in your head right now.”
Use humour
Try to respond in a way that’s witty, clever or funny. This isn’t about ‘making fun’ of yourself or downplaying the bullying. Humour can take the sting out of the moment and show them they’re not getting the reaction they wanted. This can be as simple as, “Yeah, so what?”, “Cool story bro” or even “Noted.” Or, if you're comfortable with a bit of safe sass and drama, you could try saying things like, "Oh! You got me good! I'm totally ruined!", "I'm glad my life keeps you so busy", "Please don't stop. Keep talking - I swear I only yawn when I'm super interested", "Awww, you made a funny!", or "Did you work on that joke all day?"
Have comebacks ready
Having a comeback ready means you don’t have to think on the spot. They show you’re not shocked, scared or scrambling for what to say. They can be a way of taking your power back. You can prepare some comebacks ahead of time, especially if they tend to use the same insults repeatedly. Some examples include, “Nice insult – I give it 3/5 stars. Not very original though. Better luck next time!”, "Don't hold your breath waiting for me to care", "I'm busy right now. Can I ignore you later?", "I'd respond but I prefer not to waste my time", or “You say that a lot. Need new material?”
A comeback is not about retaliating with another insult. Keep them focused on what they said, rather than making your comeback an attack on the other person.
"The thing that helped change the bullying was... leaving the game and lowkey had comebacks to their insults."
-Anonymous teen
Why do comebacks work?
Confidence can be powerful!
Turning it back on them, or having a clever comeback to bullying can challenge them to come up with something new to say and do. And that can be more effort than it’s worth. Remember, it's not about being mean back - that can just add fuel to the fire. Some people who bully want ‘easy targets’. If bullying gets too hard, they may back off.
Clever comebacks and humorous responses won’t always stop bullying, but they can build confidence and self-esteem in the person being bullied, which can also help protect them from some of the harms of bullying.
We know it can be hard to put it back on them or come up with a witty response in the moment. Practise some at home or with someone you trust so you can be prepared in case the bullying happens again.
Only try these strategies if the situation feels safe and you can walk away if you need to. If that’s not your style, or you feel too nervous to try these things, that’s understandable. There are still other safe things you can do to prevent and stop in-person bullying, like talking with a trustworthy adult like a teacher or parent.
Real-life story
Being picked on in Geography
This didn’t happen to me personally but happened to someone I know. A group of boys were teasing a teen girl about her makeup every geography class. They’d say stuff like she looked like a clown, and that no guy would ever date someone who had to cake makeup on like that.
She knew it was coming, so she got ready with her comeback: “I know Matthew, I’m so envious of your clean girl makeup. Can you give me some tips?”
Every time the boys picked on her about her makeup, she’d agree with them and compliment their ‘no makeup look’ and even ask them for their secret makeup recommendations. They backed off after that!
What if turning it back on them, or having a comeback makes it worse?
It’s normal to worry about that!
It really depends on the situation. Skip comebacks if the person is threatening you, blocking your way, getting physical, or you feel unsafe. And talk to an adult you trust about what you're experiencing because this is a major red flag!
Comebacks can sometimes backfire – especially if it seems like you’re insulting them back.
Comebacks work best when they’re light-hearted and non-defensive. You want to show indifference – that their words don’t hurt you. You aren’t trying to insult them back or “win” an argument with them.
Remember: comebacks aren't the only solution - other actions can help.
And it's important to find comebacks that feel 'right' for you, your personality and situation. We've tried to give lots of examples, but it's okay - and encouraged - to come up with your own. We suggest you can run them by someone you trust before using them, just to make sure they won't miss the mark.
"Standing up for myself or ignoring it helped me deal with bullying."
-Anonymous teen
What if comebacks aren’t my thing?
That’s totally valid! Here’s other things you can do.
If comebacks don't feel like 'you' (i.e. they're not a good fit for your personality), you're worried they'll make things worse, or you don't think they're a good fit for what you're experiencing, that's fair.
You can try other actions, like:
- setting a clear boundary, e.g. tell them that what they’re doing isn’t okay
- documenting what's happening
- talking to someone you trust
- reporting it to an adult who can help, like a teacher or school counsellor
- getting support from friends or family
- trying to avoid the person targeting you, if possible
Bullying vs harassment and abuse
Not all mean, obvious, and to-your-face behaviours are bullying. Sometimes these behaviours are a crime, like abuse, harassment, discrimination or more.
Bullying might be a crime if:
- They are violent and/or physically hurt you/injure your body (assault)
- They’re targeting you due to your race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or disability (discrimination)
- They threaten to harm or kill you or make you afraid for your safety
- They break the law, e.g. steal from you, damage your property, or stalk you
If someone is hurting you, threatening you, stalking you, damaging your stuff or targeting you because of who you are, it’s time to get adult/professional help. This is bigger than a comeback!
If you think you’re in immediate danger, it’s important to call 000.
For more information, read our article on ‘when bullying becomes illegal’.
This content was last reviewed 13
