Dealing with face-to-face bullying
When bullying is obvious, in-person and physical or verbal there are things that can really help.
People often ask Kids Helpline counsellors for specific things they can say or do when they’re being targeted by bullying. We’ve gathered our best strategies for you to try if it feels safe.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
What is ‘overt’ bullying?
Overt bullying is the obvious kind – the stuff other people usually see and hear.
Because of how open, observable and clear these actions are, they’re often easier to identify and report. Examples of overt bullying can include:
- Physical bullying: This might be getting in your space or harming you, e.g. shoving, pulling hair, flicking rubber bands at the back of your head
- Verbal bullying: name calling, insults, making fun, etc.
- Humiliation: mocking you, ridiculing you, criticising you in public
- Intimidation: threatening you, blocking your path, making aggressive gestures, trying to make you do things
Experiencing this type of bullying is really difficult. It’s understandable if you’re feeling down, upset or angry.
Types of overt bullying
There are some in-the-moment strategies you can try with this type of bullying.
A good first step is to notice what the bullying seems to be about. If you can understand what they’re getting out of it, you can sometimes make it so it’s not rewarding them anymore.
This doesn’t mean the bullying is your fault. It just helps you choose what might work.
Bullying that happens mostly in front of other people seems to be more about the other people. If they saw you when no one was around, they might ignore you. If you think this is main type of bullying you're experiencing, our 'dealing with public bullying' article can help.
Bullying that’s mostly to your face is the kind that happens when you’re alone. It might happen around other people, but it doesn’t seem to be about ‘the audience’ - it seems to be about purposely trying to upset you.
It’s common for bullying to happen both ‘to your face’ and ‘in front of other people’ at the same time. If you think that’s happening in your situation, read both sections for a wider range of strategies.
Bullying mostly to my face
This type of bullying is often about getting your reaction (making you feel upset, angry, or humiliated). This type of bullying can look like:
- physical harm, like hitting, kicking, or shoving
- physical actions like snatching your hat off your head, putting your bag in a tree, or flicking rubber bands at the back of your head
- verbal actions like insults, taunts and name calling
- non-verbal things like rolling their eyes at you whenever you talk or making threatening hand gestures
Hurtful? Yes. Your fault? Absolutely not.
Dealing with face-to-face bullying
One of the main motivations for bullying to your face is to get your reaction.
We know it can be easier said than done, but acting calm and unbothered can be helpful. Without the payoff of a reaction, they can sometimes lose interest.
Quick reality check: bullying is complicated. There’s no magic sentence that fixes everything. But small, safe steps (like those below) can help.
Ignore it
You can totally pretend like you didn't even hear it. This sometimes works for the first instance of bullying, or occasional bullying. (But if it keeps happening, don’t keep ignoring it).
Give short, emotionless answers
You want to seem uninteresting to them. If they’re trying to get a reaction out of you, and can’t, they’re more likely to give up and move on.
Act like you agree with them
This can work well for some types of insults. “Okay, if you say so” or “Wow, groundbreaking opinion.” This flips their expectations. Insults are often designed to upset you or make you ‘fight back’. When you agree, you take away the power of the insult. Note: you’re not agreeing the insults are true – you're taking away its impact to shut it down.
Bullying is experienced differently by everyone. And we all have different strengths and skills. It’s okay if some of these strategies don’t feel right for you and your situation. It’s up to you what you do or try next.
Face-to-face bullying: how to respond with confidence
Learning how to safely stand up for yourself can also discourage bullying.
We can't control other people's behaviour, but we do have power over how we respond to them. When you choose how you are going to respond, you show them they don't have control over you and you take back some of your power.
Plus, people who bully may ‘test the waters’ by making small comments or pushing boundaries. They may be trying to suss out people who get visibly upset and don’t stand up for themselves. You don’t have to feel confident to act confident for 10 seconds. Here’s how:
Turn it back on them
Turning it back on them means flipping the moment so their comment looks weird, not you. The goal isn’t to hurt or bully them back — it’s to show their words aren’t getting the reaction they wanted. You can say something like, “Omg, why are you so obsessed with me?” or “I feel bad for you – I'm living rent-free in your head right now.”
Use humour
Try to respond in a way that’s witty, clever or funny. This isn’t about ‘making fun’ of yourself or downplaying the bullying. Humour can take the sting out of the moment and show them they’re not getting the reaction they wanted. This can be as simple as, “Yeah, so what?”, “Cool story bro” or even “Noted.”
Calmly call it out
Name the behaviour for what it is. You could say things like:
- “Hey, did you know what you’re doing here is actually bullying?”
“Omg did you mean to say that out loud?" - “That was a really unkind comment.”
- “Are you this mean to everyone or just me?”
Have comebacks ready
Having a comeback ready means you don’t have to think on the spot. They show you’re not shocked, scared or scrambling for what to say. You can prepare some comebacks ahead of time, especially if they tend to use the same insults repeatedly. “Nice insult – I give it 3/5 stars. Not very original though. Better luck next time!” or “You say that a lot. Need new material?”
A comeback is not about retaliating with another insult. Keep them focused on what they said, rather than making your comeback an attack on the other person.
"The thing that helped changed the bullying was... leaving the game and lowkey had comebacks to their insults."
-Anonymous teen
Why do comebacks work?
Confidence can be powerful!
Turning it back on them, or having a clever comeback to bullying can challenge them to come up with something new to say and do. And that can be more effort than it’s worth. Remember, it's not about being mean back - that can just add fuel to the fire. Some people who bully want ‘easy targets’. If bullying gets too hard, they may back off.
Clever comebacks and humorous responses won’t always stop bullying, but they can build confidence and self-esteem in the person being bullied, which can also help protect them from some of the harms of bullying.
We know it can be hard to put it back on them or come up with a witty response in the moment. Practise some at home or with someone you trust so you can be prepared in case the bullying happens again.
Only try these strategies if the situation feels safe and you can walk away if you need to. If that’s not your style, or you feel too nervous to try these things, that’s understandable. There are still other safe things you can do to prevent and stop in-person bullying, like talking with a trustworthy adult like a teacher or parent.
Real-life story
Being picked on in Geography
This didn’t happen to me personally but happened to someone I know. A group of boys were teasing a teen girl about her makeup every geography class. They’d say stuff like she looked like a clown, and that no guy would ever date someone who had to cake makeup on like that.
She knew it was coming, so she got ready with her comeback: “I know Matthew, I’m so envious of your clean girl makeup. Can you give me some tips?”
Every time the boys picked on her about her makeup, she’d agree with them and compliment their ‘no makeup look’ and even ask them for their secret makeup recommendations. They backed off after that!
What if turning it back on them, or having a comeback makes it worse?
It’s normal to worry about that!
It really depends on the situation. Skip comebacks if the person is threatening you, blocking your way, getting physical, or you feel unsafe. And talk to an adult you trust about what you're experiencing because this is a major red flag!
Comebacks can sometimes backfire – especially if it seems like you’re insulting them back.
Comebacks work best when they’re light-hearted and non-defensive. You want to show indifference – that their words don’t hurt you. You aren’t trying to insult them back or “win” an argument with them.
Remember: comebacks aren't the only solution - other actions can help.
"Standing up for myself or ignoring it helped me deal with bullying."
-Anonymous teen
What if comebacks aren’t my thing?
That’s totally valid! Here’s other things you can do.
If comebacks don't feel like 'you' (i.e. they're not a good fit for your personality), you're worried they'll make things worse, or you don't think they're a good fit for what you're experiencing, that's fair.
You can try other actions, like:
- setting a clear boundary, e.g. tell them that what they’re doing isn’t okay
- documenting what's happening
- talking to someone you trust
- reporting it to an adult who can help, like a teacher or school counsellor
- getting support from friends or family
- trying to avoid the person targeting you, if possible
Bullying vs harassment and abuse
Obvious bullying can sometimes be a crime, like abuse, harassment, discrimination or more.
Bullying might be a crime if:
- They are violent and/or physically hurt you/injure your body (assault)
- They’re targeting you due to your race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or disability (discrimination)
- They threaten to harm or kill you or make you afraid for your safety
- They break the law, e.g. steal from you, damage your property, or stalk you
If someone is hurting you, threatening you, stalking you, damaging your stuff or targeting you because of who you are, it’s time to get adult/professional help. This is bigger than a comeback.
If you think you’re in immediate danger, it’s important to call 000.
For more information, read our article on ‘when bullying becomes illegal’.
This content was last reviewed 13
