Staying safe in an abusive relationship
Being in an abusive relationship can be frightening and confusing. Your safety is the top priority and you have a right to be safe. Here’s a guide to staying safe and seeking support.
Content Warning: this article contains violence and trauma related content that may be triggering or distressing.
What is partner abuse?
Partner abuse refers to violence, abuse and intimidation between people who are or have been in an intimate relationship.
The abusive person uses violence to control and dominate the other person. This causes psychological harm, fear, and/or physical harm.
Partner abuse can include:
- emotional abuse
- physical assault/violence
- sexual assault
- verbal abuse
- financial abuse
- psychological abuse
- isolating the person being abused
- sexual exploitation, e.g. making their partner have sex with other people for money
Safety planning
If you are in an abusive relationship, it’s important to have a safety plan. Here are some things you will need to do:
- Contact 1800 RESPECT or another domestic violence support service in your state/territory for safety planning support
- Organise transport in advance, such as a lift from a friend or a taxi booked in a different name
- Have a safe place to go to, such as a family member’s house
- Ask a neighbour to call the police if they hear fighting
- Pack a bag of essentials (medications, important docs, access to money) and leave it somewhere safe where it can’t be accidentally found, such as a friend’s house
- Plan to change the passwords on your social media & email accounts, and change the phone itself, as soon as you have left and are safe
- Setup a bank account and ‘burner’ phone the abuser doesn’t know about, in advance
- Suspend My Health Record (as this can be used to track you)
- If you are receiving financial support from Centrelink, setup a password on the account that only you know
- Turn off GPS in your phone and anything that tracks location, e.g. Google accounts, Find My Phone
- Keep evidence/a record of abuse in safe place, such as through a GP or SmartSafe+ app
Don’t keep it a secret
People who abuse others choose who they abuse, when and where they abuse. They are able to stop abusing when it benefits them.
When it comes to violence, they can also choose to harm in ways that aren’t easily visible and don’t always leave marks.
Abuse thrives on secrecy - and people who abuse often target people they think will keep the abuse secret. Asking for support and not knowing what comes next can be frightening. But abuse rarely resolves without intervention, as people who abuse want it to be kept secret so they can keep abusing (and they do lots of things to make it harder for you tell someone and get help).
If you are experiencing violence or abuse in your relationship, please tell someone you trust about what’s going on.
You can also talk to Kids Helpline (anonymously if you choose) about your options.
De-escalating conflict
Your safety is the top priority and everyone has a right to be safe!
De-escalation is about preventing abuse from reaching ‘critical’ or ‘explosion’ point in the moment. This won’t stop abuse from happening, but may increase your chances of staying safe in the moment.
Here are some things that may help:
- Remove yourself from the situation if possible and safe to do so.
- Enact your safety plan and access supports.
- Distract, redirect or delay them. Having a quick excuse at the ready, such as, “Oh, I think I just heard a knock at the door,” may help.
- Stay calm. Regulate and control your breathing. Mentally scan your body and deliberately relax certain muscle groups such as your hands and soften your face. Use self-talk, e.g. ‘stay calm’. Try not to personalise the abuser’s words or actions or react.
- Keep physical space between you.
- Talk softly/calmly and slowly. If someone is escalating, they may become aggressive. Raising your voice or reacting with aggression could be viewed as a threat. Plus, people mirror each other. If you talk calmly, they may unconsciously copy you and start to calm down.
- Keep your movements calm and non-threatening. Neutral facial expression. Open body language. No sudden movements. Move slowly and deliberately.
- Verbally empathise with them. Validating their feelings (but not their actions) by saying things like “that must have been so frustrating”, or “that must be incredibly annoying” can make them feel heard, which may prevent them escalating.
- Agree with them. Agreeing verbally (even if you actually disagree) may prevent defensiveness or conflict. Try to sound as earnest as possible, so they are less likely to interpret your response as sarcasm.
- Give them the perception/sense of control. You know how in movies with hostage situations, they always tell you to ‘co-operate’ and ‘don’t be a hero’? That’s because when a person who might harm others feels like they are in control, they tend to be calmer. Following their instructions (where possible and safe to do so) may help prevent them escalating.
Remember...
It’s important not to argue, interrupt or escalate/react with aggression, if possible.
These things may result in an escalation of abuse or violence.
You also know the people involved and the situation best. If you have found any strategies that work for you, it’s important to use them.
There are people you can talk to who can help
Here’s a list of some people you could try talking to. Remember, if at first you don’t get help, keep trying until you find somebody who will help you.
- Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800
- 1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 73
- Counsellor
- A relative or friend
- Doctor or nurse
- Psychologist
If you are in immediate danger, or at significant risk of harm, call emergency services on 000
Get support
There are support options that allow anonymity and will support you.
Most professional intimate partner violence (IPV) and domestic violence (DV) supports won’t judge you, and want to work with you to help you safety plan.
- National: 1800 Respect – 1800 737 732
- NSW: DV Line – 1800 656 463
- NT: 1800 Respect – 1800 737 732
- QLD: DV Connect – 1800 811 811
- SA: DV Crisis Line – 1800 800 098
- TAS: 1800 Respect – 1800 737 732
- VIC: Safe Steps – 1800 015 188
- WA: DV Helpline – 1800 007 339
“You're not responsible for someone else’s behaviours. The sole responsibility for violent behaviour rests on the person doing the abuse, not those experiencing it.” – Amanda, Kids Helpline Counsellor
This content was last reviewed
