Am I bullying?
Wondering if you’ve been bullying someone? Or maybe you’ve been called a bully by a friend, or gotten in trouble by your school?
You might feel shocked, angry, embarrassed or misunderstood - or guilty that you may have hurt someone. This article can help you understand what bullying is, why it happens, and what you can do to stop it.
This article was written in consultation with young people from yourtown's youth network and the support of Bullying, No Way!
How do I know it’s bullying?
How to tell if it’s bullying or something else.
Bullying is mean behaviour, which includes three things:
- Repetition – it keeps happening or becomes a pattern
- It's intended to hurt someone - the person doing it wants to cause harm, or keeps doing it even after they know it’s hurting someone
- A power imbalance - one person or group has more power than the other
Sometimes, it can be hard to tell what is and isn’t bullying — especially when your brain is busy preparing its defence speech. Check out our all about bullying and is this bullying articles for more information.
Remember, even if something isn’t bullying it can still hurt and still needs to be sorted out.
What does a ‘power imbalance’ mean?
A power imbalance means the situation doesn’t feel equal.
Bullying isn’t the same as a fair fight. It tends to be very ‘one-sided’. It might look like:
- a group targeting one person
- someone popular targeting someone with fewer friends
- someone older or bigger targeting someone younger or smaller
- someone using embarrassing information to control or hurt someone
- someone with more social power leaving someone out or turning others against them
You might not realise you have more power than someone else. Power doesn’t always walk in wearing a neon sign. But the person being hurt might feel like they can’t defend themselves or make it stop.
Real-life story
I was a bully and didn't even realise it
*Name changed to protect privacy
I was totally shocked when the school counsellor told me I was bullying the new girl, Amber.*
When Amber first joined Year 9, she told me she left her old school due to bullying. I felt sorry for her and invited her to join our group.
Things turned toxic pretty quickly — and not in a cute ‘group chat drama, pass the popcorn’ way. Amber did some dodgy stuff, and we felt we’d seen her true colours. We also heard rumours about stuff she’d done at her old school. We decided we didn’t like her and didn’t want to be friends with her anymore.
I learned from the school counsellor that what we were doing was bullying because:
- we had more power than Amber – it was our whole group against one person
- leaving her out, talking bad about her behind her back, and giving her the silent treatment were different types of bullying because they were done to hurt her feelings.
I was so angry after that meeting. My mum told me that I didn’t have to be friends with Amber, but that I still had a responsibility to be respectful.
Eventually, we apologised and tried to treat her better.
What I learned: You don’t have to be friends with someone, but you do need to be respectful. I thought bullying meant calling her names or hurting her. Excluding someone, spreading rumours and ignoring them can still be bullying, especially when it’s a group against one person.
Why do people bully?
People bully for different reasons. There may be an explanation, but there is never an excuse!
Some reasons include:
- Stress or anger — taking big feelings out on someone else.
- Insecurity — putting someone down to feel more powerful or in control.
- Pressure to fit in — joining in because other people are doing it.
- Social status — trying to look funny, tough or popular.
- Past hurt — being bullied before and trying not to be targeted again.
Whatever the reason, bullying is still a choice. Your feelings are valid, but mean behaviour does not get a VIP pass.
Bullying can hurt you too
It’s true - bullying can be harmful to the people who do it!
Over time, bullying can:
- damage friendships and relationships
- make people trust you less
- make conflict harder to deal with
- stop you learning better ways to handle stress, anger or jealousy
- affect your reputation/how people see you
- leave you feeling guilty, ashamed or stuck
When people bully, everyone loses – including the people doing the bullying. Changing your behaviour is not just good for other people. It is good for you too.
"Over time, bullying can lead to more bullying. It creates a vicious cycle - when someone is bullied, it changes how they treat others. They might start bullying someone else, to try and feel powerful. Changing your bullying behaviour can have a 'knock on' effect to help prevent others from bullying."
-Amanda, Kids Helpline counsellor
How can I make things right?
Good on you for taking ownership! That takes courage. Here’s the next steps.
Own what you did
Try not to explain it away or blame the other person. Focus on your behaviour, be specific and acknowledge how it made them feel and the harm you caused. You could say:
“I’m sorry I kept making jokes about your appearance. I can see that it embarrassed you and hurt you. It was wrong of me to say those things.”
Say sorry without a ‘but’
No excuses, no justifications, no ‘but I was just joking’. The ‘sorry’ part needs to be the main character.
Try: “I’m sorry I left you out and talked about you behind your back. It wasn’t okay.”
Avoid: “I’m sorry, but you really annoyed me.”
Show regret
Before you express regret, use empathy to see things from their perspective. Try to understand how they may have felt. This can help you figure out what to say, and how to be regretful genuinely, in your own words. You might say something like, “I know what I did really hurt you and I regret it”. Or “I know what I did made you feel really isolated and alone and I take full responsibility”.
Respect their wishes
They might be angry at you, or suspicious. They might want to have their say or might say nothing at all. It can be hard but respect their feelings.
Show change through your actions
An apology matters, but what you do next matters more. Because sorry without change is just words doing a little costume change.
That might mean:
- stopping the behaviour completely
- not joining in when others are unkind
- correcting rumours or gossip you spread
- including people instead of leaving them out
- being respectful, even if you are not friends
- Use your power for good - remember how bullying dynamics rely on an imbalance of power? Encourage others to change their behaviours and be kind too!
This isn’t about putting on a show of guilt. You want to go for small, quiet, consistent positive interactions. These little things will add up over time.
You’re not a ‘bully’ forever. Being called, “A bully” can feel like it becomes your whole identity. Bullying is a behaviour, not your whole personality. The good thing is that behaviour can change.
What can I do differently?
Here are some ways to stop bullying and build better habits quickly.
Manage your emotions
We’ve got lots of articles on coping strategies that are actually good for you. Check them out and try out the strategies you think are the best fit for you.
Pause before you act
If you feel angry, embarrassed, jealous or left out, stop before you react. Take a breath, walk away, and do something that helps you calm down.
Ask yourself three questions
Before you say, post or do something, ask:
- Is it unkind?
- Is it unfair?
- Could this hurt someone?
If the answer is yes, don’t do it. That’s the whole rule. No courtroom drama needed.
How to change bullying behaviours
Here are some things which take some practise, but lead to long-term growth and are good for you, your relationships and mental health.
Practise empathy
Imagine how you’d feel if someone said or did that to you. You don’t have to like everyone, but everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
Check your privilege
Be aware of any advantages you might have. You might think you’re on equal footing with others, but they might not see it that way. Things like being part of a group that is treated as ‘normal’ or more accepted, your gender, your physical appearance, and more, can all create a ‘power imbalance’ when conflict happens.
Live your values
Who do you want to be? How do you want to be thought of? What things are important to you? If you said stuff like loyalty, bravery, trust or strength, you’re on the right track. Figure out what it would look like to show others that you’re loyal, brave, trustworthy and strong. Try and live up to being that person.
Build people up
You can be funny, confident and respected without putting someone else down. Truly iconic behaviour, honestly. Try noticing good things about people and saying them out loud. Small kind comments can change the way people feel around you.
Get support
Changing behaviour can be hard, especially if bullying has become a habit or if you’re dealing with stress, anger, guilt or shame. Talk to someone you trust, like a parent, carer, teacher, school counsellor or Kids Helpline counsellor. You don’t have to work it out alone.
This content was last reviewed 13
