Sexuality - Working it Out

A lot of young people have difficulty working out who they are and where they fit in with the world around them. For some, this time can be even more stressful when they start comparing themselves to their friends and realise that they are attracted to different types of people.

What is sexuality?

As a teenager, you will be figuring out lots of things, including your sexuality. Sexuality is about who you are attracted to - you might like guys, girls or both!

Although it might feel stressful, this curiosity about your sexuality can be seen as something new to discover about yourself, rather than an extra stress to try and get through.

During this time you might:

• experiment or have thoughts about being with someone of the same sex - this doesn't automatically make you gay, lesbian, or bisexual
• experiment or have thoughts of being with someone of the opposite sex - this doesn't necessarily mean you are heterosexual

So why are people gay, lesbian, or bisexual?

No one really knows why some people are heterosexual and some people are gay, lesbian or bisexual. Most people believe it is just how you were born - like the colour of your skin, hair or eyes. Other people believe it is because of life experiences, while others think it could be a combination of both these factors. Regardless of your sexual preferences and the reason for them, remember, it is ok to be you!

Sexual orientation is not the same as being 'in the wrong body'

Sometimes people confuse sexuality with gender and wonder if they should actually 'be' the opposite sex to what they are. Some people feel they should have been born a different sex, and decide to make physical changes to their bodies, because they feel they are 'stuck in the wrong body'. This is knows as being transgender.

It is important to note that being transgender is not the same as being gay or lesbian. If you are attracted to people of the same gender/sex, it does not mean you are transgender. People who are transgender want to be the opposite gender - a male wants to be a female or a female wants to be a male.

Being unsure and confused

If you realise that you really like someone who is the same sex as you, you may feel a whole heap of different thoughts and emotions. You might feel:

• happy
• excited
• confused
• unsure or uncertain
• worried about what's going on for you
• many other things!

Everyone is different, and it is normal to feel any (or all) of these feelings - you don't need to work them all out at once.

Working it out

There isn't a series of steps you can take, or a test you can do, to work out your sexuality. Some people are able to work out who they are really quickly - they may either 'come out' or choose to keep their sexuality hidden. Other people may take longer to work through their feelings. There is no rush and feelings of uncertainty and confusion may be with you for a while.

Another way to look at it all

Although some of this stuff might make sense, you may still feel like you need to define or label yourself regarding your sexuality. If you do feel this way, here's another way of looking at things.

At different times, people's preferences can vary regarding who they are attracted to, what their behaviour is and how they might identify themselves. Rather than putting yourself at either extreme of 'straight' or 'gay', you could be at any point along the line, at any time.

You might notice that you feel differently when you start to identify with being gay, straight, bisexual or lesbian. Again, these feelings vary for person to person. How would you define yourself right now if you had to? What's it like for you to define yourself in that way?

Being 'different'

Unfortunately, in our society we are often 'told' that being different from others is wrong, bad, or something that needs to be fixed. Regarding sexuality, these messages can come through really clearly when people talk about 'gays' and 'lesbians' in a negative way, or more subtly in magazines, on TV, or in music.

Anyone who puts out ideas that being gay, bisexual, lesbian or transgender is wrong, is demonstrating their own prejudicial ideas and beliefs, just like racism or sexism. It does not make what they say true or factual.

Stereotypes

A stereotype is defined as:

'A fixed, commonly held notion or image of a person or group, based on an oversimplification of some observed or imagined trait of behaviour or appearance.'

You might be aware of some of the stereotypes that are out there about people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual. These often come from really uninformed assumptions and negative beliefs. You may find that some people do fit stereotypes and that is ok, but there are also heaps of others who don't fit these ideas.

Something to remember is that we are all individuals with many different qualities, whether we are gay, straight or somewhere in between. It is ok to be who you are and you don't need to hide yourself to avoid being labelled negatively.

Things to think about:

• There is no rush to define who you are. Over time you will most likely feel more secure and comfortable within yourself. Talking with a counsellor or supportive service can be a helpful starting point
• People often define who they are by what they do, however you don't have to be sexually active to know that you are straight, gay or whatever!
• You can engage in sexual activity as part of experimenting with people of the opposite or same sex, and still not be totally sure
• Being attracted to someone of the same sex might be different to the people around you, however this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It also does not mean that you need to change or fix anything about you
• Being attracted to someone of the same sex is only one part of who you are as a person
• Being who you are as a person is what is important!

Definitions:

Lesbian: Often used to describe females who are attracted to and have romantic feelings for females - also known as homosexual

Gay: Often used to describe males who are attracted to and have romantic feelings for males - also known as homosexual

Bisexual: Often used to describe males and females who are attracted to and have romantic feelings for both genders

Straight: Often used to describe males or females who are attracted to and have romantic feelings for people of the opposite gender only - also known as heterosexual

Transgender: Often used to describe males or females undergoing a physical transformation to become the opposite gender to which they were born

Talking to someone

If you want to talk to someone about your sexuality, you can call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week or use our web or email counselling services. You can explore your thoughts and feelings, and talk through anything at all. No one will judge you and you can ask as many questions as you like, and gain support towards feeling more secure within yourself.

Who else can help?

More information is available from the Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service in your state or territory (details below) or from the Australian Bisexual Network on (07) 3857 2500 or toll free on 1800 653 223 (outside Brisbane).

Please remember that calls from mobile phones may attract charges, even to 1800 numbers.

NSW

Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW
(02) 8594 9596
Toll free (rural areas): 1800 184 527
http://www.glcsnsw.org.au/

VIC and TAS

Gay and Lesbian Switchboard
(03) 9663 2939 (Melbourne only)
Toll free: 1800 184 527 (Tasmania and regional Victoria)
http://www.switchboard.org.au/

QLD

Gay and Lesbian Welfare Association
(07) 3017 1717
Toll free (rural areas): 1800 184 527
http://www.glwa.org.au/

ACT

Gay and Lesbian Telephone Help Referral and Outreach Bureau (THROB)
(02) 6247 2726
http://www.glccs.org.au/act.html

SA

Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service
(08) 8422 8400
Toll free (rural areas): 1800 182 233
http://www.glcssa.org.au/

WA

Gay and Lesbian Community Services
(08) 9420 7201

Published: 14 September 2010